My first year at University has been a wonderful, terrifying, eye opening and heartbreaking roller coaster of months that still isn't technically at its end.
Due to Covid-19 the year has been cut short. None of our first year productions got to completion and our final few seminars and assignments have been moved online.
While this is gutting it's nothing to what I imagine the third years are going through. (If any third years have stumbled on to my little blog my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best of luck when you finally get to bring your ideas to fruition.)
University is a big step from college. Not only are you now completely independant for the first time in your life but you feel responsible for your own future. This is the place where I will meet the people I might still be collaborating with ten years from now. This is the place I will make the films that will hopefully launch my career into my dream industry.
You will probably never have this much access to this many resources again and the time you spend here is precious.
That's a LOT of pressure!
What the leaflets covered in smiling people don't tell you is how much you're going to doubt your own abilities. How being away from home is such a weird happy/sad emotion that you will probably repress the hell out of until watching Ladybird a week in will turn you into a human fountain.
Nobody tells you how hard it is to take risks when you also feel like you need to prove yourself.
Over the last few months I have learnt so much about filmmaking but also a lot about myself and how I respond to situations and approach my own learning. So today for something different I'm going to list some of the most important lessons I learnt from my first year studying filmmaking at university.
1. Never be afraid of f*****g up
People love to throw around the phrase "don't be afraid to make mistakes" like it's a brand slogan for well established professionals.
The thing is... it's really not that easy because when you're working in film you're working with people's time, people's equipment, people's passion projects and people's money. There isn't one part of that that doesn't make me want to bubble wrap everything and hide under my bed.
BUT...
If you never take the risk because you're too afraid of f*****g up then you will NEVER have the opportunity to do that thing. Nobody in the industry is going to give you a go at cinematography or sound mixing or directing if you've never done it before (unless you are some kind of superhero and you must show me your ways). This might be the only chance you ever get to gain experience in these fields and make mistakes before there is even more money, equipment and time on the line.
If you don't make mistakes then you'll never learn how to fix them and develop as a filmmaker. Things go wrong on film sets all the time! Better start learning how to deal with it now!
Of course people are going to want the person they know has more experience in a role to take it. You've got to prove that you're one of those people who's willing to put the practice and effort in during your own time to make sure your lack of experience doesn't affect others. Start carrying a camera around with you, take some books out from the library. Not being afraid to make mistakes doesn't mean you shouldn't take steps to reduce the risk!
Also... your crew will understand a lot more than you might think. Communicate with them, let more experienced people show you how to do stuff. You're all here to learn after all and there will be times when you can help them right back. There's so much love in the film family for giving each other a hand. It took me way too long to realise how eager people are to help others improve in this community.
2. You are responsible for your own learning
University has literally no incentive to make you pass. I mean your lecturers as people probably want you to pass but it isn't like college where you are required to be there and the success of the college will dictate the funding it gets. If you procrastinate here it's nobody's problem but yours.
You've already paid to go here... the uni doesn't care if that's a waste of money on your end or not. How much you engage is down to you.
It's kind of disappointing that my course doesn't have a theory element. It might come up in passing but studying film theory beyond A-level isn't something my course provides. Which is fine. Theory is something I can teach myself and I use this blog to try and conceptualise a lot of what I learn. Through analysis and sometimes in some of my reviews I will include a bit of theory practice, giving me an excuse to look at what I watch more closely and figure out why it makes me feel the way it does. I can rephase all the boring academic speech into something I understand and enjoy.
It's easy to think that for what you're paying university should be cramming a lot more info down your throat and to some extent I agree but year 1 was about a foundation and settling in and getting everyone to a base level of knowledge where they could work together as teams. I consider any extra stuff my responsibility to seek out. People learn stuff in different ways and want to learn different things. They can't possibly teach everything to a depth that would satisfy everyone.
3. Self-doubt is an essential part of the process
Welcome to adulthood where everyone's a little bit of a mess all the time.
I can not tell you how many mirror talks I had with myself where the message was "get your shit together" when honestly all I probably needed was a good sleep and a hug.
The nights spent writing ideas only to decide they're all garbage in the morning then blaming it on your ability to clean dishes is a problem I think a lot of creative people have... or at least I hope they do maybe I'm just weird...
It can be very easy to spiral into the persistent thought that "I'm not good enough". Then you self diagnose the problem and usually come up with the wrong solution "I need to spend more time looking at this screen", "I need to frantically bounce my ideas off other people and get even more frustrated when they tell me they're not working", "I need to just BE BETTER"
Self doubt is horrific but it's also necessary. It's how you know something isn't working and forces you to reassess your work. It stops you getting too hung up on your own ideas and brings you back to earth to a place where you can actually start figuring out solutions.
It still sucks but I think I'm getting to a point where I except the self doubt part and stop blaming it on myself. I'm having doubts so something isn't working. After bingeing a mindless sitcom and a good night's sleep I can come back to it with new eyes and start being productive again.
If every great filmmaker never self doubted their first ideas we'd be stuck with a lot of terrible movies... just sayin'
4. Communication is a skill you can develop not a gift you're born with
Being good at communication isn't just being good at talking. I can talk a lot and at the end people will only remember 10% of what I actually said because I didn't communicate what I wanted to say well. I always assumed that communication and clarity was just something you were born with. Some people just have calmer, more succinct demeanours and I was stuck with my nervous ramblings forever...
Not true...
Communication is something you can get better at as you practice and this isn't just verbal communication. Sending a good email, sending a text that will lead to no confusion; these are both genuine skills that are just as important as knowing how to use a camera. How do I tell someone what the image is in my head? How do I get an actor to change a performance? How do I make sure everyone's on the same page?
There isn't a magic wand for learning how to communicate it only comes from exposure to different people from all walks of life and developing relationships over time. I think being aware of it as a learnable skill is important though. The whole think before you text/call/talk thing really is valuable advice that will make you a better communicator. I definitely think I've got better at it!
5. Switch off, have fun
Switching off is something I am terrible at. I am thinking about film CONSTANTLY.
When I go to sleep I dream about script ideas. 90% of what I watch on YouTube and consume online is film related and any conversation with me will probably get to films at some point.
Thinking about film a lot isn't a bad thing. It's what I enjoy so there's no harm really.
The harm comes with thinking about film none stop. That's when you get unmanageable amounts of self doubt, feel constantly overwhelmed and you're getting no inspiration because you're not taking in enough life to be inspired by.
Even some of my hobbies come back to film. I joined drama soc in the hope that understanding actors would make me a better director but thinking about that all the time makes me a terrible actor! It is impossible to stay in the moment in a character if you're thinking about how beneficial this is going to be in the future.
The one hobby which I really benefit from is table tennis. If I start thinking about film while playing table tennis, I miss the ball. Table tennis forces me to focus on nothing else but table tennis.
I had never been to a club before I came to uni. Never been drunk or even that tipsy. Never bought chicken nuggets from an off-brand kebab shop. Never gone for a night out on halloween. Never been to a pub with more than five people, or been to a gay bar, watched drag, tried stand up comedy... All of this stuff was a big step for me and it was a lot of fun! A lot of it is down to my friends who dragged me out and showed me how fun being a teenager could be. They've helped me to switch off and feel happy. My favourite memory of first year will forever be christmas drinks at The Apple where pretty much the entirety of my class sat on a long wooden table and talked about random stuff before we all went home for the holidays.
Thank you for a truly amazing first year. I hope you're all coping ok and can't wait to see you all when we go back.