I always thought my time at Uni would end spectacularly. I pictured us all in shiny, red, silk robes singing in perfect harmony and time would freeze as we all jumped into the air, hats in hand. It isn't the first time I've confused real life with High School Musical.
While the graduation ceremony was a great celebration, I found the actual university part of university went out with less of a bang and more like a candle that someone forgot to blow out, so it just kept burning down to the wick. Over the last few months I've felt a wave of conflicting emotions. I feel pride in the work that I've done and in the personal changes I've gone through during the last three years but I also feel grief for a time in my life which I'll never be able to revisit. The doors of my teenage years are now firmly locked behind me and I'm left floating aimlessly through mundane adult tasks as I try and figure out what I want my life to be now.
I wasn't sure if I was going to write this blog post. I was going to wait until I was in a better frame of mind and maybe didn't feel quite so lost but every year that I've done this I've found it very therapeutic and I hope it will provide some comfort to those who might be in the same boat. I can quite confidently say that for all the pain, the exhaustion and the covid-19 of it all, my time at university has been the three best years of my life and I'd like to think of this time, not as the end of an old chapter, but the beginning of a new one.
To everyone who has supported me, grounded me, told me to get over myself, wrestled me for a place to make egg fried rice on a hob, cried on my shoulder, let me cry on theirs, challenged me, encouraged me, danced badly with me and stuck with me through it all, in and out of uni, I can't thank you enough.
Seeing the success that has come so quick to some of my classmates has filled me with a sense of pride akin to seeing a sibling succeed, because I saw how hard they worked and I know they deserve it. I think part of these past few months has been about trying to convince myself that I deserve it too.
Anyway, enough with the sop! In no particular order, here are ten lessons I've learnt during my final year of uni which I hope to take with me into the real world.
1. Take ego out of the work
The balance between self-confidence and ego is something I've been wrestling a lot with over the last year. I believe that every artist has some kind of an ego, something that makes us think we're worth listening to, that we have some insight into the world that others do not. Ego isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I do good work why shouldn't I be proud of it? If people resonate with what I'm doing what's the harm in enjoying that? I think the issue comes with expecting that reaction from an audience or feeling like everything you make says more about you than the point you're actually trying to make. In the long term it makes the work shallow and self-conscious. Anything you do as a filmmaker or a writer is bound to reflect you in some way, getting hung up on that element of your own self-image within the work is only going to weaken it. Nothing is to be expected from an audience, it has to be earned every single time.
2. Hindsight is a really annoying, important tool
When something doesn't turn out the way we want it to whether that be work or something in our personal lives, it can be really easy to block it out and decide we never want to think about it again. Sometimes we have to for a little while in order to move on. However, I think hindsight is really how we learn and making notes of the things we realised "in hindsight" is what's going to make the thing turn out better the next time round.
3. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow
I've always viewed self-care as a bit of a luxury. Having never been too bothered about my appearance it's always the first thing to get dropped when there's a looming deadline or something I find more interesting that needs doing. What I'd wish I'd known from the first year was that self-care does actually make your work better and more sustainable in the long run (I know, who would have thought!) and doing simple things like eating healthy, having hobbies and getting fresh air makes the periods of working much more productive and often more creative because you're giving yourself time to actually be inspired. It's not always practical, those deadlines don't go away but it's definitely become more of a priority in my life to make sure I'm looking after myself before sitting down to take on a new project.
4. Money does not a great film make
If you can't make a good film for £10 you shouldn't make it for £100. If your story doesn't work on £100 it's still not going to work on £1000. I can't remember who told me this, whether it was one of my college tutors or a friend but it has always stuck with me. Over the last three years I've really come to appreciate what makes films so expensive a lot of it should rightly go to paying crew for their time and labour, then there's kit, locations, accomodation, props, costume... it all starts adding up fast. When I started out in college I made a real point on being as stingy as possible with my own projects because, lets face it, your first ones are never going to be your best and if you don't know how to frame on a kidizoom, an Arri isn't going to fix that! I took photographs on my mini digital camera before eventually upgrading to a DSLR and I think making skits and shorts for no money has definitely helped me out. Budgets should be there to enhance the story and limitations often breed creativity in unexpected ways. Basically, if you haven't got a story you can tell with sock puppets maybe go back to the drawing board before you pour all your savings into it. This is a marker of quality I'm going to use to measure my own work.
5. Take a risk
It can be really scary to put yourself out there, reveal a part of yourself through you work which is a bit ugly, a bit uneasy, a bit difficult. There's a quote by Phoebe Waller-Bridge which says, essentially, if you feel like what you're writing hits a bit too close to home... you're probably writing the right thing. It might not always work out but what I've learnt from my peers in this final year is that the projects that tap into that difficult, personal space hit different, usually in a positive way. It might not always work out, that's the "risk" part of taking a risk, but when it does pay off the impact is so much more emotionally involving than a project that's narratively safe. The risk takers are the pioneers. It's those filmmakers that are going to change the game for all of us.
My final short film, Beached, was one of the most difficult pieces of work I undertook in University. The subject matter is so far from my own personal experience but there are elements of it, especially the inclusion of my hometown, which felt deeply personal. The film was quite literally "too close to home" and the motives of the characters did come from a place I recognised within myself. In hindsight (There it is again) I wish I'd taken even bigger risks with this film but knowing the difficulties I had writing it (there are some truly appalling drafts) perhaps it's better to appreciate that risk-taking is a skill within itself and eventually I might get to a place where I can push the boat out further.
6. Honesty is more important than perception
Authenticity is something I've decided to strive for in all my future work. That doesn't mean I want everything I do to be a kitchen sink drama. It means I want my characters, the representation in my stories and the underlying themes to come from an honest place rather than a performative one. It has to come from me, from my research and my emotions rather than what other people want to see or for the sake of proving anything. As much as we want better representation in our media I find that when that representation comes from a performative place, so the company or writer can show that they're "diverse" it feels hollow and disappointing. I'm firmly of the opinion that writers can and should write stories outside their own lived experience, but those stories have to be authentic and come from a place of genuine passion. As someone in the LGBT+ community, I can tell when queer representation has been shoehorned in and when it comes from a real place, regardless of the orientation of the writer. I imagine people from other minorities have the same kind of spidey-sense! Never half-arse it. If you're writing something you haven't been through, completely immerse yourself in it and put in the metaphorical leg-work.
Also, when you're collaborating with other people, just be honest. We're professionals and sparing people's feelings by lying or avoiding communication is only going to come back and bite you in the long run. I've definitely let things slide this year which I will not let happen again. If you need something signed to ensure open communication, bite the bullet and ask for it so the waters don't get murky.
7. Progress sometimes means someone has to take a step back
This one is tricky... Everyone comes into this course wanting the same things and knowing that there's going to be an element of competitiveness to get the opportunities we want. That doesn't mean there's any bad blood it's just a mini version of the competition we're going to face in the industry. This becomes even more apparent when you see some of the issues the industry is currently facing creeping into our student microcosm. During our final year projects there was only one female cinematographer despite our year really pushing for diversity amongst technical roles. As a director I have to acknowledge my own accountability having only worked with only one female DoP over the three years. It's a big ask for someone to step back in order for change to happen and sometimes it's out of your control but it did hammer home that in some cases it is the only way. I might get my first break in the industry by someone giving up theirs and one day I'll have to step back to give someone else the opportunities that I've been given. It doesn't make anyone any less or more talented, it's simply a consequence of necessary change.
8. Just, be yourself please... we're not in highschool
I've always had an insufferable and anxiety driven need for people to like me. It's followed me my whole life and while it's been very useful in an academic setting (I'm great at shutting up and doing what I'm told) It's not made me a great advocate for myself especially when conflict is involved. The urge to change my manner and habits to match whoever I'm talking to is exhausting and very much puts me back in high school where, as a survival tactic I think, I would try and diffuse any potential bullying or conflict by essentially trying to make a "best of both worlds" with people who, quite frankly, didn't deserve it.
While I still often catch myself doing this, one thing I'm trying to take from uni is that it doesn't matter. The energy it takes to keep up ten different acts with ten different people is exhausting and most people really aren't thinking about me as much as I think they are. For all the mental pressure I put on myself to try and get someone to like me, they're probably never going to remember the interaction anyway. Having three years of independence to make mistakes has given me little insights into my own personality, the one behind all the people-pleasing which has been exciting (and a bit scary) to explore. I've had plenty of watershed moments about myself even just in the last few months after uni ended. It's an ongoing process but I've learnt that it's worthwhile pursuing.
9. It's all about people
People are awesome. One of the best parts of filmmaking for me is the collaboration. It's so rewarding when you're able to get into a rhythm with a crew, when you're able to make up for each other's weaknesses and play to each others strengths. While socialising with other social people is great, this final year has taught me to be more open minded and patient with my communication. Personalities clash, sometimes people from different backgrounds don't get along and managing this can be a challenge. One thing for certain is you can't just expect everyone to be an extrovert and sometimes incredibly talented people are terrible communicators! It's all about finding a specific language between you and your colleague that works for you both.
10. Embrace success
I love convincing myself that my successes aren't actually successes. Another part of the people pleaser in me, I must downplay everything I'm proud of in order not to come across big headed. Of course it's not big headed to be proud of something you put a lot of time and effort into. You can be proud and grounded simultaneously, who knew! Over time I've essentially taught myself not to enjoy my own success for other people's sake. There's a lot wrong with this. Firstly, as a creative not enjoying success means you don't always take note of what works about your film. If you can't identify the good as well as the bad then you're not able to grow your strengths and your voice. Secondly, it's massively disheartening and can make you feel like a failure even if you have no practical reason to feel that way. Finally, success in this industry is kind of rare. If you've been working for something for so long, you need to enjoy the fruits because the opportunity doesn't come by often and you need to embrace it.
While I could appear confident in-front of my peers and crew, I was always beating myself up on the sideline and it's been getting much worse since leaving uni. I need to take what I love about what I do and translate that thought into knowing that I do it well. Of course there's a time and a place, bringing me back to point one, none of it matters when you sit down to start your next project.
Conclusion
I hope that all that made some kind of sense. I think I mentioned in my first year re-cap that being a creative is all about persistence. I still believe that to be the most important thing university has given me. If I'm able to persist through all the hardships, personal and public mistakes and the madness of my own weird brain, I'm only going to get better at all this with time. This industry is a marathon not a sprint. It can feel very disheartening at times, especially with all the rejection letters or the lack of responses when you've spent hours on an application but I have to trust that my time will come with hard work. I'm definitely more than capable of it.